| dance between the raindrops in a downpour's Journal |
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dance between the raindrops in a downpour
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A B O U T
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19. female. canada. 5'4. 74 pounds. vegan. ed-nos. hostpitalized: once. for: anorexia.
♥ my boyfriend & my biitches. coffee & cigarettes. working out & kayaking. concerts & music. shopping & spending money. books & millions of magazines. kate moss & gemma ward. the oc & fashion television. weed & alcohol. myrtle beach & toronto trips. lazer tag & go carting. going to plays & movies.
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N A V I G A T I O N
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[ x ] entries
[ x ] info
[ x ] friends
[ x ] calendar
[ x ] memories
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L I N K S
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[ x ] the fragile
[ x ] my space
[ x ] blue dragonfly
[ x ] think pages
[ x ] perfected souls
[ x ] hungry girl
[ x ] fitday
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C R E D I T S
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Layout by Good night Graphics.
Resources and credits are linked here.
This layout was inspired by Nocturne.
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livejournal userinfo |
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livejournal calendar |
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[01 Mar 2008|01:02pm] |
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mood |
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 determined |
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music |
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AFI - Love Like Winter |
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livejournal is too triggering.
it's too much of the past.
who i WAS.
i have a life.
this isn't mine anymore.
i wish everyone the best of luck, and hope to still talk to you. email, msn, i'll even write.
i just need to get on with my life.
and i can't if i have this to fall back onto.
i don't need anything to fall back onto.. i'm going to finally get what i want.
to be myself.
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| Stabilo - Flawed Design |
[20 Dec 2007|01:44pm] |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Stabilo - Flawed Design |
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When I was a young boy
I was honest and I had more self control
If I was tempted I would
Run
Then when I got older I began to lie to get exactly what I wanted when I wanted it
And I wanted it
Now I’m having trouble differentiating between what I want and what I need to make me
Happy
So instead of thinking I just act before I have a chance to contemplate the consequence of
Action
And I will turn off
And I will shut down
Burying the voices of my conscience hitting ground
And I will turn off
And I will shut down
The chemicals are restless in my head
‘Cause I lie
Not because I want to
But I seem to need to all the time (need to all the time)
Yeah I lie
And I don’t even know it
Maybe this is all a part of my
Flawed design
And ever since I figured out that I could control other people
I’ve had trouble sleeping with both
Eyes closed
And if I ask permission if I make sure it’s ok I promise I won’t slip up this time you can
Trust me
But never take advice from someone who just admitted to being devious and just confessed to
Treason
And I would also never ask a question that I cannot ask myself for it might dirty up your
Conscience
Cause I lie
Not because I want to
But I seem to need to all the time (need to all the time)
Yeah I lie
And I don’t even know it
Maybe this is all a part of my (flawed design)
And how can you say those things why can’t you just believe
And how can you say those things and keep a straight face
And how can you say those things why can’t we just believe
And how can you say those things and keep a straight face
And I will turn off
And I will shut down
Burying the voices of my conscience hitting ground
And I will turn off
And I will shut down
The chemicals are restless in my head
‘Cause I lie
Not because I want to
But I seem to need to all the time (need to all the time)
Yeah I lie
And I don’t even know it
Maybe this is all a part of my (flawed design)
‘Cause I lie
And if I could control it
Maybe I could leave it all behind (leave it all behind)
Yeah I lie
And I don't even know it
Maybe this is all a part of my
Flawed design
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[01 Dec 2007|03:28pm] |
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 upset |
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music |
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alexisonfire - rough hands |
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why is it so hard?
why is there still that voice telling me to be stronger and that i am better than this and don't need food.
can you really go back to normal after being gone for so long?
i need someone to talk to. someone to write to would be nice. i lost all my addresses and letters when i moved.
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[31 May 2007|02:38am] |
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mood |
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 high |
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music |
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a change of pace - white lines& lipstick |
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my apartment
this is where it all goes down. i know, i'm boring.
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[12 Apr 2007|12:25am] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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She wasn't born anorexic, but nowadays she suffers,
staring at these half-naked stars on magazine covers.
feeling pressured by the public.
She only weighs 90 pounds but still sucks in her stomache.
On the inside she's dieing, lying to herself, thinking:
- 5 more pounds won't jeopardize my health.
One day she might just collapse, she can't avoid it.
Too many sleepless nights spent bent over a toilet.
Spewing vomit, like she was an alcoholic.
Praying to a God she never believed in to stop it.
Now she looks like the skeleton she sees in her closet.
So close to death she can taste it, body looks wasted.
Hates life, hates you, hates the way she looks naked.
Now she's feeling drowsy, lousy,
thinking maybe this world's better off without me
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| survey |
[14 Jan 2007|05:49pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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basehunter - boten anna |
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| OMFG! FIRST POST FROM FIRST APARTMENT!!! |
[04 Aug 2006|05:11pm] |
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OMFG.
I MOVED ALL MY STUFF ON WEDNESDAY.
JUST GOT THE NET SET UP TODAY.
BUT OMFG I'VE GOT MY OWN APARTMENT.
& IT'S COMING TOGETHER SO NICELY ALREADY.
I EVEN JUST GOT A NEW FUCKING TV BECAUSE MY PARENTS DIDN'T WANT TO CARRY MY OLD FLOOR TV DOWN FROM THE THIRD FLOOR.
HOLY SHIT.
THIS IS ALL JUST SINKING IN NOW.
& it's fucking SWEET!!!!!
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| gone for 2 weeks |
[10 Mar 2006|02:40am] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
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thursday:
food
lettuce - 60 cals
zucchini - 40 cals
mushrooms - 51 cals
celery - 8 cals
cherry tomatoes - 7 cals
total: 167 calories
exercise
treadmill - 30 minutes
stairmaster - 1 hour
lower body - 30 minutes
total: -750 cals
that's my highest intake this week. i feel like such a failure.
i probably won't eat much, if anything tomorrow. i'm spending the day in the car driving up to south carolina for march break, so hopefully i'll sleep the whole time.
i'll be gone for two weeks but i'll update when i get back!
PLEASE DON'T DELETE ME!
& thanks everyone for making me feel a lot less stressed out about going on vacation.
♥
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| tuesday: food/exercise |
[08 Mar 2006|04:58am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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tuesday:
food
lettuce - 60 cals
zucchini - 40 cals
mushrooms - 33 cals
celery - 14 cals
total: 146 calories
exercise
treadmill - 30 minutes
stairmaster - 1 hour
lower body - 36 minutes
total: -762 cals
i'm leaving for myrtle beach on friday for two weeks. i should be looking foreward to it, but all i can think about is how i won't be able to weigh myself for two weeks or exercise this much. i'm so scared. they do have a mini-gym where i'm staying but i won't be able to exercise as much as i have been AND i'll be in the car all friday and half of saturday so i won't be getting ANY exercise at all. i'm almost dreading the trip. i guess i'll try to do 30 minutes of cardio in the morning and 30 at night.. but what if i can't? i just don't know what to do..
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| monday: food/exercise |
[07 Mar 2006|02:45am] |
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mood |
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tired |
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so this is how today went for me
monday:
food
lettuce - 60 cals
zucchini - 40 cals
mushrooms - 33 cals
celery - 10 cals
total: 143 calories
exercise
stairmaster - 90 minutes
abs - 20 minutes
lower body - 12 minutes
total: -712 cals
i feel like i ate too much.
i'm so scared of gaining/not losing.
especially since i'm at my lowest weight and i don't want to do anything to fuck that up.
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85lbs's journal